You make me hate... I blame you.
23 July 2004
What a week. Life is shit and don't I know it.
For starters lemme tell you about the good stuff. Starting last Saturday my brother Matt and me had some peeps over for a mini house party. It was fun while it lasted. There was James Hall (the one I fancy), Nicki's ex; Tom, and Ellie, and me and Matt of course. My mom had gone out and so had everyone else originally.
At first i was on my own until 9pm when Janet came over to bore me close to tears with whatever she had to say for herself. We watched Big Brother and she tried to talk to me while I ignored her endlessly. Then at like 10pm, Matt and his mates came home from a house party thrown by this girl Aimee Edkins who I went to school with. Apparently her party sucked soggy balls and James was the only one to stay there out of Matt's friends. James was totally pissed from white wine chardonnay he'd been drinking all night and projectile vomited across Aimee's house before the night began. Before he left her house at about 11.40 he stumbled down her staircase and smashed the banister up...
Aimee's a little riff. All her friends only used to hang out with her cos she supplied the fags. In year 9 when we started at Kingsley she used to know all the solid people used to smoke, and she'd buy packets of fags and sell them or give them away to get friendly with all the people who could help her out if anyone picked on her. Enough about her anyway.
...James got a taxi to our house just after Ellie ordered a chinese to share with Tom and Matt. we sat around the house pratting around most the night after that [Janet had already left at this time at about 10.30]. It was fun just doing something other than sitting here being bored shitless like i am right now. I didn't even need to drink. I don't feel i need the alcohol buzz to get me in the party mood anymore unless i need confidence. i prefer to just watch everyone else prat about and make fools out of themselves moreso than be the one making myself look like a fool. Everyone else I think was drunk or tipsy.
That night we went to bed at like 2am and Ellie and James stayed over. Ellie slept in Matt's bed with him (no kinkiness occured i'm told), and I wish i could say James slept in my bed with me, but sadly he passed out in the armchair downstairs.
At 5am Sunday morning i heard my bedroom door open and i looked up to see James half in my room. Kinda shocked, yet tired as hell i just lay back down and fell asleep. I heard the front door shut not long after that and James had walked all the way home to be there before anyone worried where he was.
Tom was a little bit shy towards me that night. I don't know why. We were all talking about driving lessons and the tests and whatnot and i said i needed the hazard perception discs to practice on and Tom said he had them and I could have them if i wanted. But the thing is he didn't say it to me, although i'm the one who needs them; he said to my brother "You can have them if you want, i'll bring them round next time" and my bro was like "yeah, that would be great she needs them to learn from"... There was another account of Tom being shy towards me but I can't remember it. Hmmm.
Oh yeah. He was on about his birthday which will be in October and Ellie mentioned how i could eventually go out with them sometime when I'm 18. i could go with them soon before I'm 18 but i probably wont for many reasons unbeknown to anyone. But then Tom was like "I'm gonna have a party for my birthday and I want you ALL to come out to celebrate with me!" then he walked off all embarrassed. Emphasis on the 'all'. Cool.
On Monday I had a driving lesson. I got on better with everything i've learnt but haven't done anything extra just yet. My instructor's on holiday this week so my next lesson isn't til the 2nd August. To be honest I'm bored with learning now. I wish i was done with it all and had my test real soon. No such luck. It's so tiresome.
Tuesday nothing happened that is worth remembering.
Wednesday is the same. Katie would normally phone on Wednesdays to see how i am and what im up to. I haven't heard from her in ages. I know it's because of Jimmy but there's no excuse not to text or anything. i text her whenever I've got something to say, which i havent right now. She only texts me to get me to go and see her when it suits her. If it isnt in her plans for me to join them for whatever they're doing then she wont contact me until the time has passed.
Then after all of that lack of contact she will eventually text or phone somewhere down the line to brag about what she's been up to, and what i've been missing out on, and how the next time i should be there, but the next time i am there for the same event that's 'so great'; it's actually a bag of shit and i wish i'd made other plans. Not like 'other plans' are regular occurances in my life since i don't have a life. I feel so bored lately. i WANT new friends, i WANT a new life, i WANT a job, i WANT money. I wish i hadve hung out with other people in school so i wasnt stuck with the tiny crowd of friends i have who dont give a shit unless the subject involves them somehow.
They're boring little idiots who go down to the local old folks pubs with stinky, smoking, old codgers who smoke pipes surrounding them. They just all sit there taking the piss out of anything and everything and I find it DULL. Okay, so my life isn't a bag of candyfloss EVER and what i do is a whole pile of nothingness, but the fact is i'd rather be doing nothing and be bored than do THAT and be bored.
Whether or not that is understandable or just anti-social of me i don't give a shit. They're old before their time. As far as i'm concerned they have as little of a life as i do. They have each other as company and that is IT. No more, no less.
The only difference is they have jobs and i dont. But i'm trying which is more than i could say for myself the beginning of this year. I'm a no hope as far as i'm concerned. I've applied for more jobs than i can remember and no one has gotten back to me. Any job i appear interested in isn't even offered to me. They could at least have the decency to get back to me when they say they will. Fucking hell.
I've decided. i had asked Katie to go with me to Kelly's party on August 14th. i don't want her there now anyway. I'm cutting myself off from her and Emma and any one of that lot from now until I decide i'm ready to be around them again. that includes answering the phone, responding to texts and talking online to her/them.
I want to be around people who have the same interests as me, and who want to be regular teenagers; going clubbing and being with NEW people. I dont wanna be with people who share no interests with me; who want to be in old peoples' pubs and bars; who think sex is the be-all and end-all of life and who do abso-fucking-lutely nothing to make changes in their schedules to make time for me, yet i'm expected to do just that for them..?
...i'd rather not if it's all the same.
I know that's a fucking huge rant and i've blatantly taken the piss out of making an entry full of hate and upset, but i feel like shit and i'd rather be alone and depressed than spend time with a bunch of stupid-ass kids like the ones i know.
Life is shit. At least mine is. i was right to be fucking depressed at the beginning of the year. I never see anything through and now life's got the better of me. I'm back to how i was and I'm blaming everyone but myself. Isn't this how it should be? It's better than when life was a bed of roses and my friends seemed to understand for all of 5 minutes how the fuck i felt. I only ever blamed myself for anything back then.
I've learnt change is good. AND I WANT IT!
I almost completely forgot to write about my shopping trip.. Me and my mom were meant to go to Leamington if it was a nice day, but it was a little rainy so we went to Merry Hill instead. It was really good although i still felt ill from the days before. My mom bought me some Puma trainers the same as my white and black ones on they're all black with fuchsia detail in them. She bought me a top the same as my FCUK boob-tube but in pink instead of black. She bought me an FCUK baby blue jacket, a graffiti top from one of the sections in Debenhams which was funky, a jacket from River Island, some earrings from LOGO, a nice black top from Etam, and... I think that was it. I don't usually shop in Etam because it's not my sort of fashion in there, and i only went in with my mom cos she wanted to look around, but she saw the top and i tried it on and it looks nice on me. I might wear it to Kelly's party. My mom's good to me.
On the way to Merry Hill there was a road block, the same as there was two weeks earlier when we went except this was for a different reason. We classed it as some kind of Omen that we werent supposed to be going to Merry Hill that day; warning us of danger or something. Shopping is dangerous when i'm involved; be prepared for sore feet and an empty wallet. We got there safe and sound nonetheless. A good day to round off the shittest week.
*HUGS* TOTAL! give bitch-faery more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own